Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
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I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“I’m helping” 😅
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.