My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
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The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings