I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
The struggle is real.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s