[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Confused owl: What?!
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.