Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
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If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
me: my friends:
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Ha
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Challenge accepted.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.