The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me irl
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one