“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
You Might Also Like
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen