Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
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Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Our lord and savoury.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.