Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
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me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
*puts my mental health in rice
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.