My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
When can I start eating bats again.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.