Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
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Your mother has terrible taste in children.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.