Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
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(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”