The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
thank god the sign was there
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!