[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
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Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Feels
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.