If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
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Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?