Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
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normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”