They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
You Might Also Like
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.