My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
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Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.