My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong