Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
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My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
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Squash
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy