host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
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Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Never go to sleep after making me angry
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me when my alarm goes off
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
How your email finds me
North and South
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.