Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
You Might Also Like
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Brilliant!
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.