At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
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This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce