One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.