hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.