Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
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Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Does beer think about me too?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.