rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people