After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
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Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
“HELP WITH CAT”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?