Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.