I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
my professor scared me for a second
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
this… may be the greatest story ever told
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I feel seen
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’