Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.