stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.