Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Living the best life.. 😊
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying