doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
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Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Realize this:
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush