i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
is nasa ok
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.