ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?