[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
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Weirdly Wednesday.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.