[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
You Might Also Like
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I think they could have phrased this better
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.