My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
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I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
🌱🌱🌱
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”