Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.