You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
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Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.