Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
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Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no