Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
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justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Mornin. * use accordingly
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.