Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
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mentally somewhere in italy
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
💁🏻♂️
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.