When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
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CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.