👾👾👾
You Might Also Like
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now