[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit