I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.