I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
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6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.