The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
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Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him